Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Giving myself permission

There used to be days where I just needed to complain. I needed to bitch, moan, groan. I needed to yell, scream and fight. There where some days where I was not be a kind, controlled person. 

A few years ago I was in a very contentious relationship for many years. My partner yelled at me frequently for every flaw and insecurity I had. I was not a strong person and took most of what she said to heart. I stayed in that abusive relationship for a long time, mostly cause I had no idea how to get out. 

It took me a few weeks after we separated to come to the realization that all I wanted to do is complain and find sympathy for my pain. I spent a great deal of time fighting this urge to be a victim. 

It was sometime in the summer of 2011, shortly after the escape from my tortured relationship, sitting in my apartment, trying to figure out what I was doing with my life, when I got up and threw my pencil at the wall. I screamed, cried, yelled profanities at every God I knew. I punched the desk, realized that hurt, then punched a pillow. I threw a temper tantrum.... I fucking lost it!

10 mins later, I sat up, teary eyed, red faced and feeling a whole lot better. Seriously felt better then I had since, well, since a very long time. 

I had discovered a great deal of peace in this moment, I actually laughed. I thought about what had happened and realized something rather useful.

I needed to vent. I needed to be depressed, sad, cry, anger full. I needed to be a sad sack of poop. The reality though was that I had a life to live. I could not be all that every second of every day. It was too much and would not allow me to live my life. 

I then decided that I would give myself 10 mins of "release" time every day. 10 minutes to be sad, angry, mean, agressive, moody, depressed, whatever I wanted. I would always do it alone, not to hurt or confuse anyone else, after all it was not about them anyways. I just needed to vent....

It has been over a year, I still take 10 mins every day. I love it. It has helped me be honest and true to myself without being a victim. 

Try it, let me know how it works for you

No comments:

Post a Comment