Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Hope and the Setting Sun part 1

Why someone enters into a love affair with another is beyond me.  Besides procreating, monogamous relationships are quite pointless and most often personally destructive. There is evidence co-dependent behaviors, ungrounded anger and insecurities, sub conscious games and personal clashes that have little or nothing to do with the actual relationship. Two rational people, who might have everything they could ever want, still choose to seek out a companion and try and make something work that almost always hurts both people involved. This is a strange behavior. I guess the pay off is high. I guess the companionship, the feeling of no longer being lonely, someone to talk to, someone to wake up with, someone to keep the bed warm, someone to build a dream with, is worth the trade off. I once believe that love is enough. I once believed that if I did everything in my power to love myself and love another then I would be fulfilled. I once thought I could love someone even if they thought themselves unlovable.  I once believed in the magic of love, I could again one day but not until I am done telling this story.
Cas and Julia met with no real romance. It was summer; it was a time of great change and travel in both their lives. It was time of loneliness, uncertainty and young panic in Cas’ life. It was a time of transition, planning and recovery in Julia’s life. Both had finished school, both where riddled in debt, both had no money, no real direction. Both had seen a lot. Cas was younger by half a decade. He was just freed from a life of dramatic deaths. Julia had just finished with her decade of schooling, she was finally free from abuse, panic and a world of self-pitying adults. Cas was just figuring out the world around him, he was young, eager and suffering from mild posttraumatic stress disorder. Julia wanted to set roots, build a home, and start a family.  Cas was ready for soft, young mild infatuation; Julia was ready for a partner.
Their courtship was slow. Cas could not handle getting hurt so he kept Julia at arms length. Julia let her heart run wild and would follow Cas around in hopes he would notice her. Cas was open and willing to share. He would offer Julia anything he had and Julia took him up on his offerings. Julia would introduce Cas to people in the community, people she had known for a while. They got to know each other deeply and for a few months a friendship blossomed into a deep connection. They where falling in love, the old fashioned way. This suited Cas more then Julia. IT was not a perfect courting but it was a kind one.

I am a writer

I declare this as one of the gifts I bring to this world. I tell stories and I must write them down and share them. This is not easy for me as I have never felt comfortable with the written language. But I been clearly called to write. So I will share some stuff I have thought about in writings. Be patient and please kindly point out any obvious mistakes I am continually making. Thank You!!!

Brilliant, absolutly brilliant

SO if I where to vote videos/presentations for their innovative quality, presentation medium and inspirational abilities, I would give this video a 4.5 out of 5

Use Dancers Instead of Power Point....

you got to risk...

So the snow has fallen. A whole bunch of snow. So I go for a walk with my trusty dog Anika. When I get to Ponders Pond I find a log to sit on and take in the brilliance the fallen snow has left. Anika decides she is going to head to the almost frozen water and try to rescue a stick that is a few feet from the shore. She braces herself, reached and with every millimeter of stretching she can muster, gets the stick and pulls it out. I thought to myself, man that was a great teaching. Anika was not worried about falling in the water or the cold, she focused on the stick and got it. I guess its like anything worth having, especially love, we need to risk EVERYTHING and not worry about the risk. If Anika had hesitated for a second she would have fallen in. Instead she just did it. So I will enter into my life with more risk.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

3 Year Old Medicine

Over the past week I have spent time with over 4 young soles in their 3rd year of being on this planet. What powerful medicine. Never once did I feel like I had to explain myself, feel anything but what I felt or worry about my appearance. As long as I was honest, gentile and present they loved me. I sang songs, played games, drew pictures, built huge towers, shared food, wiped away tears (mine and theirs), walked in rain (without umbrellas), built forts, talked to stuffed animals, watched cartoons and so many more magical activities. Good medicine the universe has been gracing me with. Thank you to all my 3 yr old friends.

First but not least

What a mess I have gotten myself into. I recently peeled away a layer of protectiveness in my emotional self to expose a profound wound that needs to be aired out. I am vulnerable, broken and a mess but I had to. I feel like I have to explain my fragile place. I grew up in a world where sadness was seen as a plague. I need to feel the pain within. I need to be in a gray space. I need to make friends with sadness. I need to dance with deep pains that if left alone will limit my life and not allow me to shine. I do not have to stay here, I do not need to loose myself here. I just need to feel it. So I am going to write for anyone who wants to see to see. I am not alone in this, neither are you.....