I am eternally trying to catch up. I am not a big spender nor have any major addictions. I like the occasional bottle of nice wine or sometimes I get me a really nice cheese or a new music album. I do not, nor have I ever driven a fancy car, or gone on big trips.I don't own a house, have high rent, spend of clothes or pointless crap.
Where my money goes is into my community. I buy locally, I make sure I have good food that keeps me healthy. I make sure I have good shoes so I can walk and move without pain. I help friends and family as much as possible. If I need something for my health, I get it.
I have worked hard my entire life. I have given as much of myself as I can and helped as many people as I can. I have committed to every job I have done and left as peacefully as I could when I knew my heart was not into it. I have done what was best for my community, sacrificed for those who needed things more. I have worked hard to be honest and open in every aspect of my life.
I am tired of being broke. I have so much in my life and I am grateful. I have no money. Being honest and vulnerable does not pay off. Mostly businesses seem to take advantage of it. I do not think it is intentional, just the reality of a competitive world. I always reach this breaking point where I want to stop doing what I feel is right and start just making money.
I can make money. I can rip people off, trick them, sell shit for high pricing, take advantage of weak minds, weak hearts. I can sell myself out, sell myself short. I can be a very successful business men. I can manipulate with the best of them. I don't want to.
I want to heal, to help, to honor, to have time to listen to people. I want to have the space to build community, to honor those around me, to listen. I want to be my fullest self, I know how to be my fullest self, I just have no idea how to make the money needed to fully be me in this economic world?