Witch Doctor House Call (Angry Heart)

My heart holds so much anger. Its not something I carry with pride. I actually hide it well. I do work hard at letting it go and finding forgiveness. Sometimes anger seems to collect faster then I can get rid of it. My heart it has been beaten many times. I know I can not truly love myself or another if I hold onto this anger. I have much to learn about how to trust people and let go of my anger. I am not a particularly trusting person. It takes me a long time to trust someone, mostly cause I carry the wounds with me from times I gave away my power and did not honor myself. That is it I guess. I am trying to learn how to honor myself. If I can truly honor myself then I can probably let go of the anger, actually if I honor myself there will be no need for the anger.

So the cure for my anger is self honor. Makes sense to me.

Imagination is the greatest of all medicines.

Hope and the Seeting Sun Part 6

Cas wanted to run away. There would be time for that later. For now he had to find Julia and reconnect. Cas’ sister was about to be married and Cas was not looking forward to introducing Julia to the family. Cas’ family was not mean or that weird, they just lived in their own world. Julia came from another world. One that did not fit into the world Cas grew up in. It was what Cas liked about Julia, she was unique, challenging and did not play by the blind rules his family had thrown upon him.

Julia had no idea what she was getting into. She did not have enough strength or training to be challenged the way she was about to be. Cas’ family did not show her the attention she wanted, nor asked her many questions. They where intimidated by her power, her education and her abrasiveness. Julia would not tolerate such insult and would do her best to hide her feelings but hiding how she felt was not one of her strong points. Julia was a strong woman among apposing minds. She was a hyper intelligent, angry, abused, aggressive well-trained assassin of fake.

The wedding was the first in the family. Tina was young, and in love. It was to be a big wedding, with lost of pictures, lost of tears and lots of booze. Julia was alone most of the night as Cas was in the weeding party. Julia had to spend the night with the grandmother.

“I’m going for a cigarette” Julia would say getting up, not carring who knew.

“Oh, I’ll come with you” Grandmother would respond hoping no one would know that they were going out to smoke together. Everyone knew though.

That is how it was. Everyone knew what everyone’s business was. No one would admit to their flaws and issues, no one would ask about them. That was the game Julia did not get. You can see and be aware of someone’s story, you just can not ask them or let on that you know.

“I don’t get it” Julia would tell Cas when they would get a second together.

“You don’t get what”

“Everyone here knows that your Grandmother smokes. Why doesn’t she just smoke”

“Because she wants to be presentable and in her mind presentable women do not smoke”

“But I smoke, am I not presentable?”

Cas did not know how to answer this. In all his training of legal ease and political back talk, he was not prepared for this conundrum. Julia was not presentable to the standards of Cas’ world. Cas did not think Julia was not presentable. Cas wanted Julia to know how beautiful she was. Julia never felt comfortable in her own skin. She was tall and beautiful. Women would throw jealousy her way all the time. Julia took it personally and held her head in shame and hid her true beauty.

Cas always had a way of seeing people for their true self and beauty and not how they presented or acted themselves. He would love the potential long before he knew the person. It was his downfall and his greatest quality. Most people will never let their true beauty shine. They will attack and destroy any attempts of others trying to bring out their true beauty. I guess it has something to do with people not feeling worthy of their inner beauty. They just get used to how people see them and they get caught up in that image.

Julia did not want to be beautiful. She wanted to be right. Cas knew this would be a difficult explanation so he tried using an analogy…Bad idea.

“ You know how at picnics people do not want to see bees?”

“Ya, what the hell does that have to do with my question?”

“Well people at picnics love to have flowers right? So they do not want bees but they want flowers but without the bees they would have no flowers”

“I don’t get it” Julia looked intensely at Cas. Cas knew he had to explain or die trying.

“ It’s just that you have a unique way of being that scares most of these people. You act honestly and as yourself and most people here have never done that” That was the truth.

“So, it’s my fault. I am the odd one because I am honest. That’s fucking insane. These people are fucking insane. Their like fucking children” Julia light another cigarette. She had a way of describing thing so eloquently.

Help me with this theory

So I have been working on this theory over the past 10 years that Everything is Just Perfect. It was a message I found in my heart when I was hitch hiking around Canada a decade ago. When I found that message and realized it was something deep within me that I wanted to learn more about I realized that it was a fucking terrible quest to go on. I mean Everything, what is everything? Perfect? How the hell am I to decipher perfect? I was not impressed.

I spent the next 10 years reading, researching, meditating, thinking about this message.  Over the past few years I have started to talk about this message. I love it when people argue with me about it. I love it when others offer unique perspectives. I do not assume to understand it, I do not think I ever will. I just know my life's journey is to learn from this message.

Last night while I was alone at the Northern Edge Algonquin, I went to Points North, my favorite building in the entire world. While I was in deep meditation I was given an insight into this message.

If you take everything in existence, everything in the universe. Every atom, thought, spiritual concept. EVERYTHING, it has to be perfectly balanced. If I argue that it is not in balance then I am leaving something out of the EVERYTHING as I would have to compare it with something else to decide if was out of balance. Thus Everything is Just Perfect as in the Universe is always in perfect balance.

I am totally open to anything you might want to add or disagree with. I am still learning.

"There is nothing to fear within yourself"

Preachy me

So I have worried about being to preachy with what I want to share. I always read and re-read what I write to make sure that I make it clear that everything I write is just my perspective. What I realized last night is who cares if I am a little preachy? I certainly do not. Does not mean I have to be judgmental and absolute. Shit, I have no idea what is going on out there in the world, I change my mind all the time about what I believe.  If I find something worth talking about and sharing, then why the hell not talk about it, share it, even if it is raw and I do not fully understand. I do not want to be a full blown preacher. I just want to share what I learn without to many self imposed restrictions.

The point of all my writing is to share my perspective and to generate discussion and thought. If I piss people off or alienate them, then that is fine with me. If I start debates and conversions then I have accomplished what I set out to do. You want to disagree with me, are you brave enough to share what you are feeling, your perspectives? Are you brave enough to be a little preachy about what you believe? Do you even know what you believe?

There is nothing to fear within yourself.

Tin Can Banjo

I hereby decry that I have officially found the instrument I have been looking for my entire life. I am in love with the Banjo. Not the red neck, back woods banjo, but a modern twist, upbeat, new sounding Banjo. This instrument has reminded me of the incredible power of music. Music is a language. A powerful, cut through dialect and open hearts, say way more then with words alone, type of magic. We, as in humans, have gotten to the cusp of a time when the boundaries of music are being lifted. No longer does an aspiring musician need to take years of lessons to learn one way of writing music (which i always found limiting at times), they can learn by ear. No one has to wait to record themselves or look for financial backing. It is very easy to stage a decent sounding performance. It is possible to play solo or with a small ensemble and sound like many, gone are the days of putting together a long list of expensive instrumentalists to create one song.

The limits are being lifted. The musical scene is just starting to take off into a  revolution of raw, unadulterated, limitless brilliance. We are on the cusp of a revolution... I call it the genius released revolution... and it is not only in music, it is in every modality and medium. We have the tools to create ANYTHING.... now what to create????

Tricky Love

WATCH Justin Vernon - I Can't Make You Love Me

Every time I think i have a beat on Love, it shows me how unpredictable it is. Love is not something we can understand or predict. You might love someone tomorrow more then you have ever loved before and not feel a thing the next day. You might be madly in love for 50 years and loose it over night. Love is not a feeling or a constant. It is not something you can describe or show people. You can pretend to know what happens next. Love is the great monkey wrench in the best laid plans. Love is the rebel that makes the world worth being a part of. Love is the great entertainer, the great pusher, the great reminder that we have nothing and never will. If the dark, warm grips of love digs itself into your life, you will have no choice but to have it there, play its game till the end. You can not run, nor hide. You can not shut it down. It will break down any wall you have. You do not wait for love or work to open up to love. Love is there, it always is and always will be.

I have always wanted to hold love, grab it, feel it, freeze it in time, suck it dry of its powers, force it, pretend it is there. I release myself from such endeavors.  I love freely. My love is free to come and go, to dance or sit, to be there or far away. I let my love go.....

Manly Sex Talk (Over complicated)

One thing I wish I had known as a younger sexy man, was that most women do not want sex to be over complicated. In fact most of the women and men I have talked to about this are looking for a great love to make love to and not a great lover to fall in love with. I find it harder to get hard and stay interested with a sexy new acquaintance then it is to get it up for someone I love and trust.

I would tell myself to keep it simple, you can try the tricky moves later on, for now be a good person, then a good lover.

Enlightenment thoughts....

The Buddha, in my humble opinion, was not someone special. He did not have magical powers or come from a fantastic creationary birth or mythical beginning. The Buddha was a man who took the time to think, sit, fast and wait. Upon time passing he remembered something.  In my opinion, he remembered that everything is just perfect. That the divine energy/spirit/goddess/whateveryouwanttocallit is in everything at all times, including ourselves.

That's the big secret of enlightenment, everything is made from the divine. Everything is perfect.

Breath and let go of your worries for a second. It feels good and it helps.

Witch Doctor House Call 6 (Three pillars of medicine)

When I was 20 years old I decided that I needed to hitch hike across Canada. This was not an adventurous decision but more one of a calling. I had to d0 this, it was not so much a choice but an inner command. A command that came from the deep hidden recces' of my heart. So deep inside that it was unfamiliar to myself. It took me a while to recognize that it was my true voice.

After many weeks on the road, I was given a gift. In a waking dream I was passed a message of the three pillars of medicine. I will write more about these pillars in detail on other posts. For now I just want to share. NOW VERY IMPORTANT!!! These are MY pillars of medicine. It works for me. It took me years of preparation and months of rigorous introspection to discover them. They might work for you, they might be useless. I am sharing this because I want to, not to train or convince anyone of there valor.

The three pillars of Medicine are Simplicity, Purity and Truth. These three words are how I search, seek and find my medicine. They are what drive my decisions. I would not be alive without them. Whenever I come to a situation of dis health (like physical illness or injury, feeling lost, lack of life desire, confusion, obsessiveness,  giving away of my power etc), I take the three pillars into my heart and start to do work. I ask questions like, how can I make this as simple a problem as possible? How am I complicating this situation? What is the purest form of relief from this ailment? How much do I know about this medicine? How true or reliable are the sources?

Upon these pillars I create a plan to get back to health.

Imagination is truly the purest and simplest form of medicine in the universe.

Rising sun

This darkness that sits so thin. I know it beckons me to rest, dream. I can see the beginning of something new, something alive, something real. i can not touch it or hold it close. I do not have permission to open it or close it. I can witness the rising sun. I can witness the opening of hearts. I can hold hands and remind people to wake up to the rising sun.

This world of ours, lost in so many addictions and pains, is about to be rebirthed. Not is anyway I know about. Not in any form I can see. I have no idea where we are going, nor do i want to know. I am here with you on this journey. I am here!!!!

Never cease to wonder!

Witch Doctor House Call 6 (Comfort and Convinience)

SO I have shared some great medicines that I have experienced in my life. I have been reminded that it is also important to share something that I have found as bad medicine or dangerous medicine. I really do not think that anything is bad, somethings are just VERY dangerous.

COMFORT - One of the most sinister and addictive of all medicines. There are great benefits and healings from comfort. When one is damaged, hurt, lost, scared, panic, traumatized, comfort can be of great importance and necessity. But when one is not in those states, comfort can be a tough drug to kick. One that limits our growth, keeps us from going out into the world, exploring ourselves and our limits. It is something that leads to slothfulness, stopping and stagnancy. Stagnancy is the root of most of our medical issues. When one becomes stagnant (stops growing, moving, changing, healing, exercising etc.) one opens themselves up to a whole host of issues and conditions. One has to keep challenging themselves, asking tough questions, adventuring, risking, playing, moving. Take a look at your life. Find something that you find comfort in. Is it helping you or keeping you back? It is a tough drug to kick and painful one. We all love comfort, thus the dependence.

CONVENIENCE- It is nice to have things close at hand. It is also nice to have things that are predictable. It is not something that allows one to expand, experience, open and live. We base to many decisions in our life on the basis of familiarity or proximity. WE live close to stuff we really do not need, we stay in relationships that really do not serve us, we rarely travel outside our safety zone. Convenience is coddles our fears and leaves us at its mercy. It is nice to have some degree of convenience but not the abundance that we have at our disposal.

I know we can kick these two habits. I am here to tell you that you do not need to worry. If you find yourself opening to new things and you want to go deeper down the rabbit hole, go! There are plenty of loving people on the way that will hep you and guide you until you feel ready to guide yourself. There are plenty of comforts and conveniences along the way to help out, just not enought o become dependant upon.

The only thing worth creating dependence on is self love.

Everything is Just Perfect

I am working on this theory that everything is just perfect. I mean if you took the universe in its entirety it would be perfectly balanced at all times. Its an interesting concept that I have been feeling my way through and talking about for a few years now. I am just at the point where I am starting to share it with people.

Think about it for a bit. Every worry and fear one has is not really needed. If everything is perfect then there is no need to panic. All we have to do is to live and recognize that perfection in whatever way we deem fit. I know it is not that easy, just to let go of fear and worry but it is something that is worth doing. Do we really need to hold onto anything? Is letting go a skill that needs practice and patience developing? Is it noble work to be someone who works on recognizing their limitations, insecurities, fears and worries and then work on learn how to let them go? Are you called to do this type of work? Are you up for what you might find?

The most fascinating part of my research on the theory the Everything is Just Perfect, is that I have found that the universe in its entirety is in each person. We are all a reflection of the universe. So does this mean that we are all perfect? Are you perfect? I am starting to believe you, me, everyone is perfect, everything is perfect.

The Prodigal Sun

On this day when the sun has gone as far away as it could from our lives, I say to it, "I understand, take the time you need, I will be here when you return. I will open my arms when you come back."

I have been called the prodigal son in my family. I really am having a tough time with that association. You see in biblical mythology the prodigal son goes out and spends his fathers fortune, comes home to receive more fortune. I did leave my family and adventure out into the world. I did not get any fortune, in fact I learned to live in poverty.

I am grateful for all my teachings and gifts the universe has bestowed upon me. I worked hard to be the person I proudly am today. I gave up everything to be able to meet myself, my true self, and look myself in the eye and say, "I Love you."

I love writing. It can be so powerful. As I wrote those sentences above I realized that I had an expectation on my family that they honor and care about the secrets I have learned, the magic I have been shown and the medicine I carry. I can not see my family for the people they are if I am holding onto expectation. It is in the release of expectations that our Love becomes free. 

I commit to learning more about my expectations of others and letting them go. No expectation serves me anymore. 

Manly Sex Talk III

I could not have said it better myself. From one of the great story tellers of all time and a brilliant mad man. I do wonder the same thought that Tom puts in this monster sentence. Has sex become so sane and clean that it misses the point. Imagine having to wait till your desires overtook you and you lost control and had to be with the person you where with. Imagine throwing all caution into the wind, all sanity is gone, you go mad with desire and love, you have to be with that person even being aware of the potential consequences, AND, the other person feels the same? I do wonder if we have over shot the target and missed the happy medium.

Taken from Still Life With Woodpeckers by Tom Robbins 

"Was it entirely paranoid to suspect that all those stoppers, thingamajigs, and substances devised to prevent conception were intended not to liberate womankind from the biological and social penalties imposed on her natural passions but, rather, at the insidious design of capitalistic puritans, were supposed to technologize sex, to dilute its dark juices, to contain its wilder fires, to censor its sweet nastiness, to scrub it clean, to order it uniform, to render it safe; to eliminate the risk of uncontrollable feelings, illogical commitments, and deep involvements (substituting for those risks the less mysterious, tamer risks of infection, hemorrhage, cancer, and hormone imbalance); yes, to make sexual love so secure and sane and sanitary, so slick and frolicsome, so casual that it is not a manifestation of love at all, but a near anonymous, near autonomous, hedonistic scratching of a bunny itch, an itch far removed from any direct relation to the feverish enigmas of Life and Death, and a scratching programmed so that it would in no way interfere with the real purpose of human beings in a capitalistic, puritanical society, which is to produce goods and consume them?"

Life of my dreams

Bit by bit I build the life of my dreams. I strip down the walls, tear up the floors, clean out the attic and closets. I throw out everything, the bed, the couches, the appliances. I make sure I have a blanket to keep me warm and a little bit of food. Then I go back into this shell of a house and make it the life of my dreams.

I redo the walls to be complete and more spacious. I paint those walls with warm loving colours. I put in warm floors that cushion my every step. I make sure there is plenty of room for all the guests and visitors. I open the doors and let in the midnight air, the moon light and the sparkling stars. I allow the morning sun to warm the kitchen where the warm waffles of love and honor fill the home with the smell of something worth fighting for.

I then plant the seeds of beauty and adventure in the garden. I put in rows of play and friendship. I invite the whole community over for dinner and dessert. I dance slowly under the patio lanterns with the love of my life while we close our eyes and loose ourselves in the moment that last for lifetimes. The night becomes long days and fills with laughter, children, freedom and abundance.

Bit by bit I build the life of my dreams.

Icy stones in moving water

It was cold here today. Not so much from the low temperature reading on the thermostat, but the damp cool air and the cold falling rain made it rather hard to stay warm. It was a perfect day for a walk with a dear friend. It was a great day for an adventure. 

The water was cold but the climb warmed our hearts. We stopped to eat, point out some sights, smell the air and to tell stories. We were, for the most part, in the moment. There was no thoughts of the bills the schedule, the troubles, it was just a time for us to be right there in that perfect moment. We sang a few songs, did a ceremony and kept walking. We saw bear tracks and love marks and picked up garbage along the way. 

Above all, do not lose your desire to walk.  Every day I walk myself into a state of well-being and walk away from every illness.  I have walked myself into my best thoughts, and I know of no thought so burdensome that one cannot walk away from it.  ~Soren Kierkegaard

Dreaming the night away

Last night I dreamed something I want to share.

I was on a couch, not a familiar couch. There was an old friend in the room with me. I was about to die from natural causes of sorts. I knew that I was about to die, I could feel the life being sucked out of me. I sat on the corner of the couch, breathing and waiting for death to come. I told my friend I was going to die. Then my friend turned into my mother, who came and held me. My mother kissed my forehead and told me that she loved me and everything is alright. This was repeated many times without stopping until I started to cry. I told my mother that I was scared. I was scared to love, scared to work, scared to write. I cried a profound, deep cry while she held me. I could feel the life leaving me and death coming. I could feel myself expanding into the universe, returning to the everything. I let go, with my mother holding me. I was free.

I awoke to the alarm clock, tried to regain that dream and the feeling but could not. I did fall back to sleep for a few minutes and met my mother again. She told me to share this dream with anyone and everyone who would listen.

So I share.

The Story of Kevin The Wolf

I CAN NOT TELL YOU how I came to know this story. I can only share it using my best in story telling. This will be like trying to describe a fragmented dream. It will be poetic, choppy and sometimes frustrating. There will be holes, missed parts and foggy mornings. There will be wrong turns, open pits of despair and long bouts of silence. There will be laughter, morbid facts and invitation for tears. There will be a story in all its colors. I will not protect you nor hide you from this story. I is mine and that I will share. 

I was born in Oshawa in the late 70’s.  What can I say about Oshawa? It was a city that people lived. There was little magic, little new coming from this town. It was a hole to be filled with houses and people. It was not ugly nor was it spectacular. It was, like its inhabitance, just there. I actually remember my birth. I remember the yellow walls and the coldness. You think they would warm things up a little. I am sure every doctor and nurse that was there for my birth would keep their houses warm for visitors. Why not warm things up a bit for my entrance to their world?

It was then that I knew I was not of this world. I was not alien per say, more just not programmed to understand the programming this world was written in. I knew there was much to fight for and much needed change. I knew that this world was not that cold and that the walls did not have to be so bright. I knew that my circumcision was rushed and without purpose. My introduction into this world was of coldness, fake light and purposeless genital mutilation. Then came pinpricks, toxic, dead disease in my veins, some chemical perfumed blankets. I was surrounded by brick and mortar, no trees in sight.  I instantly felt sorry for my mother and father. I knew then, not an hour old, what it was like when they came into the world and their mothers and fathers. I mourned for my ancestors and the missing invitation to this brilliantly warm and magic filled world.  I felt my parents love. It was pure and free. I loved my parents instantly.

Within my first day I had been rudely welcomed into a world teaming with love and magic. I had been pricked, cut, moved and separated from my mother. I had felt the pain in my parent’s heart. I had felt my ancestor’s pains. I had accepted my role as a protector. I was to make sure that the pain that already was here was not multiplied. I was to learn how to heal these injustices and these pains.  No more worthless suffering, no more pain where it was not needed. Warm invitations to all my friends and foes. Day one was a long day. I do not remember all this as clearly as I remember yesterday. I feel it, I know it, I dream it, I recognize it as truth. Just who I am. 

To be continued....

Moving alone and with little

Recently I changed address. No down the street or across town, nope, I moved far away. I have been transient for the past 15 years of my life. Packin' up and movin' whenever the wind of change came a rollin' in. I wanted to explore, see the world, try new things, meet new people. I did all that and some.

My new home is different. I have been invited into a community. There is openness here. There is an abundance of riches. It is not paradise, eden or a utopia. It is what it is and people love this land. There is a fight for the community and an acceptance of where it is at. There are so many people who work for far less here and still make do.

I am starting to see that this stop is not a short one. When the winds of change come a calling I will take shelter till the winds change. This is where I take a stand and say, "this is my home." what a scary thought, no escaping, no running, no hiding. I am truly ready to face my fears. I'm I deserving of such a beautiful home? I guess I am.

Must read to be part of my secret cool club....

This may have been a Commencement Speech by Tom Robbin???

I am often asked whether there is life after death. Certainly
there is. There is also death after life, and life before death,
and death before life. It goes on forever. There is just no stopping
it.

You will live forever, and die forever. In fact, you already have.
As for Heaven and Hell, they are right here on Earth, and it is
up to each of you in which you choose to reside. To put it simply,
Heaven is living in your dreams and Hell is living in your fears.

In the traditional image where Hell is down and Heaven is up,
one escapes from hell by digging a hole in the ceiling. Though in
an age of downers and uppers down and up no longer make sense, it is
still possible to think of in and out. Think of Hell as in and
Heaven as out. To get out of Hell, expand your soul until it is
pushing on all the walls from the inside all the way around. If you
just maintain a steady pressure, your soul will gradually filter out
into limitless Heaven beyond.

One problem with the notion of Heaven and Hell, however, is that,
although they are exact opposites, an astonishing number of people
seem to be confused about which is which. For example, all over the
United States on this very evening, commencement speakers are
standing before audiences not greatly unlike yourself, describing
Hell as if they were describing Heaven.

Their speakers are saying things such as, "Graduating Seniors,
you have reached the golden threshold of maturity; it is time now to
go out into the world and take up the challenge of life, time to
face your hallowed responsiblity."

And if that isn't one hell of a note, it is certainly one note
of Hell.

When I hear the word maturity spoken with such solemn awe, I
don't know whether to laugh or to get sick. There circulates a
common myth that once one becomes an adult, one suddenly and
magically gets it altogether and if I may use the vernacular, discovers where it's
at.

ha ha. The sad funny truth is adults are nothing but tall children
who have forgotten how to play.

When people tell you to "grow up" they mean approximately the same
thing as when they say "shut up." By "shut up" they mean stop
talking. By "grow up" they mean stop growing.

Because as long as you keep growing, you keep changing- and a
person who is changing is unpredictable, impossible to pigeon hole,
and difficult to control. The growing person is not an easy target
for those guys in slick suits who want you to turn over your soul
over to Christ, your heart to America, your butt to Seattle first
National Bank and your armpits to extra crispy Right Guard.

No, the growing person is not an ideal consumer, which means in
more realistic terms, he or she is not an easy slave. Worse yet, if
he or she continues to grow, grows far enough or long enough, he or
she may get too close to the universal mysteries, the nature of
which the Navy and the Dutch reform Church do not encourage us to ponder.
The growing person is an uncomfortable reminder of the greater human
potential that each of us might realize if we had the guts.

So society wants you to grow up. To reach a safe, predictable
plateau and root there. To muzzle your throb, to lower the volume
on the singing in your blood. Capers all cut, sky finally larked,
surprises known, SETTLE DOWN- settle, like the sand in the bottom of
an hour glass, like a coffin six months into the ground. ACT YOUR
AGE, which means act their age, and that has from the moment they
stopped growing, always been old.

Growing up is a trap.

As for responsibility, I am forced to ask, "Responsibility to
what?" To our fellow man? Two weeks ago, the newspapers reported
that a federal court had ruled that when a person's brain stops
functioning, that person is legally dead, even though his or her
heart may continue to beat. That means that 80% of the population
of Earth is legally dead. Must we be responsible to corpes?

No, you have no responsibility except to be yourself to the
fullest limit of yourself, and to find out who you are. Or perhaps,
I should say to remember who you are. Because deep down, in the
secret velvet of your heart, far beyond your name and address, each
of you knows who you really are. And that being, who is the true
you,cannot help but behave graciously to all other beings- because
it is all other beings.

Yet, we are consistently reminded of our
own..."responsibility."
Responsibility means obey orders, without question, don't rock the
boat, and for God's sake, get a job. (Get a job. Sha na na na)

Thats the scary the one. Get a job. It is said as if it were a
holy and ancient and inviolable law of nature. But the fact is although
cultural man has been on Earth some 2 million years, the very
concept of jobs is only about 500 years old. A drop in the bucket, to coin
a phrase. And with the advent of electronic cybernetic automated
technology, jobs are on the way out again. Jobs were just a flash
in the pan, a passing fancy. There is no realistic relationship
between jobs and work-work being defined as simply one of the more serious
aspects of play- any more than there is a realistic relationship
between jobs and eating. It is curious how many people believe if
it weren't for jobs they couldn't eat. As if it weren't for Boeing,
their jaws wouldn't chew, if it weren't for the Navy their bowels
wouldn't move and if it weren't for the Weyerhauser that great
destroyer of plants- plants wouldn't grow. Technocratic assumptions
about the identity of man, society, and nature have warped our
experience at its source and obscured the basic natural sense of
things. Rabbits don't have jobs. When was the last time you heard
of a rabbit starving to death?

Ah, but we must be responsible, and if we are, we are rewarded with
the White man's logical equivalent of looting: a steady job, secure
income, easy credit, free access to all the local emporiums
and a home of your own to pile the merchandise in! And so what if
there is no magic in your life, no wonder, no amazement, no
playfulness, no peace of mind, no sense of unity with the Universe,
no giggling joy, no burning passion, no deep understanding, no
overwhelming love? At least your ego has the satisfaction of
knowing you are a responsible citizen.

Responsibility is a trap.

As a matter of fact, the entire system into which you were born
and which now, upon completion of high (high?) school you must
perhaps face more directly, is a system designed to trap you- and
manipulate you as a co-operating slave, a system designed to steep
you in Hell.

Hell is living in your fears, and it is through fear, both
subtle and overt, that the system traps you. Fear of failure, fear
of social rejection, fear of poverty, fear of punishment, fear of
death.

For example, we are taught to fear something called Communism, and
millions of Americans go to bed every night wondering if Mao Tse
Tung is under their bed. Conversely, on the other side of the world
millions of Russians and Chinese go to bed wondering if Henry
Kissenger is under their bed. Our totalitarian government uses the
hoax of the threat of Communism to control and enslave us, just as
the totalitarian Communist governments use the hoax of the threat of
capitalism to control and enslave their people. It's an extremely
old and obviously effective trick.

You see, the powers behind Communism and the powers behind
Capitalism are virtually the same people. We might also include the
powers behind the Vatican and the powers behind Islam. Their main
function is to mystify the popular mind by creating illusions of
omnipotence and omniscience with which to command docility from
their subjects, although it does not require much thorough investigation
to discover that few of the peoples of this world are happy, healthy,
or fulfilled.
But never mind. There are ways out of the trap, ways, as I
earlier suggested out of Hell.

The only advice I have for you tonight is not to actively resist or
fight the System, because active protest and resistence merely
entangle you in the System.
Instead, ignore it, walk away from it, turn your backs on it,
laugh at it. Don't be outraged, be outrageous! Never be stupid
enough to respect authority unless that authority first proves
itself respectable. And, unfortunately, there is no officially sanctioned
authority today, from the President of the United States down to the
cop on the beat, that has earned the right to your respect.
So, be your own authority, lead yourselves. Remember the ways
and means of the Ancient Yogi masters, Pied Pipers, cloud walkers
and medicine men. Get in harmony with nature. Listent to the loony
rhythms of your blood. Look for beauty and poetry in everything in
life. Let there be no moon that does not know you, no spring that
does not lick you with its tounges. Refuse to play it safe, for it
is from the wavering edge of ridk that the sweetest honey of freedom
drips. Live dangerously, live lovingly. Believe in magic. Nourish
your imagination. Use your head, even if it means going out of your
mind. Learn, like the lemon and the tomato learned, the laws of the
sun. Become aware, like the jungle became aware, of your own
perfume.
Remember that life is much too serious to take seriously- to never
forget how to play.
In times of doubt and chaos, it has been the duty of superior
persons- artists, poets, scientists, clowns, and philosophers
(certainly not statesmen or military heros) to create order in the
psychic vibrations of their fellow man. Due in times such as ours,
times that are too carefully ordered, too strictly organized, too
expertly managed, thoroughly programmed and craftily planned, times
in which too few control too many, it is the duty of all feeling,
thinking, humanitarian people to toss their favorite monkey wrenches
into the machinery. On second thought, you do have some
responsibility to your fellow man. To relieve the repression of the
human spirit, it is your sacred duty ot screw things up royally.
Looking at you tonight, I am sure you will do just fine.

Does anyone have any details about this? If you know anything about it, please leave a comment. Even if it isn't Tom Robbins, it's still interesting.

Rude and true

SO off with the gloves. I have been trying to write without swearing but it is fucking on tonight. I am in a pissy mood. I have spent too much time mourning over shitty actions by shitty cowards. I realise now that I have a life to live and I will live it.

To all the cowards who take the easy root by running and behaving in insincere ways... FUCK YOU!!!

This sounds like a rant and it might be. I understand those who struggle threw knowing their path, pain or reality. I get hiding your head in the sand from time to time. I am compassionate to those who can not make up their minds or string along a situation for too long. I feel for those who get lost in a story and not in reality.

I want to say Fuck You to those who take the easy way out. Fuck You to those who hurt them people when they are down. I want to remind people that we are all damaged humans trying to make life work. We do not need more selfish cowards. We need honesty and compassion. Next time any of you are in a situation that you do not know what to do... CHOOSE THE KIND WAY. If it is the end of a story or the end of a chapter, find the kindness, the peaceful the compassionate way. It might take time, it might hurt someone, it might crush a dream but it is true and does not add fuel to the fire.

Take the risk to leave love with love. Cowards will always destroy what they can not understand.

A hero in a time of cowards

Agree with him or not, it does not matter to me. Listen/read to him or not, it does not matter to me. Understand that this is a person who spoke from his heart, said what he felt was true, shared it with anyone who was willing to listen and got seriously persecuted for it. Christopher Hitchens, you are a hero, a brave man.

I know that if I choose to truly live my life with self honesty and express how I truly feel on subjects that I will be met with resistance and argument. I might loose friends and grace over what my heart feels and says. The truth is if I am doing what I am doing to be popular, then I am missing the point. If I get popular because I expressed my hearts beauty and people enjoyed it, then I am the luckiest man in the world.

Thank You Christopher, your courage will not be forgotten.

Witch Doctor House Call 5

I am a restless, angry sole having trouble dealing with the way I want to live in this culture and the choices my culture offers me on how I can live. I am learning to free myself from the addiction to systems and experts that has been reinforced upon me from childhood. I see now how I have been encouraged to remain addicted to the systems that are in place to prop up the fiction of experts.

I understand that there are certain people who have more experience and training in certain fields then I do. What I also realise is that they are no more an expert when it comes to my health and well being then I am. My mental, emotional, physical states and concerns are a condition of many factors that any expert can not take into account. I am unique and have a unique story and have a unique history. No one in the history of this planet has or ever will have the same conditions and perspectives as me. This is also true for you and everyone.

I choose to see experts as those who have access to more information and techniques then I do in a given field. I can consult with those experts to better understand my own condition. I do not and will never defer my personal power to any expert in any situation. I will learn and be open to perspectives, especially from those who have something worth sharing.

I do not need a system to keep me alive. I need a community, self trust and the most important skill I know, the skill of how to learn and adapt. If you are ever looking for an expert, take a bit of time and consult with yourself, then ask your trusted circle/community, then go back to yourself. I bet you find a lot of help just in that process.

Imagination is the most powerful medicine in the world.

Hope and the Seeting Sun Part 5

Cas’ brother John was in town. The two brothers, close in age, had not spent much time together over the years. They decided to hitchhike across the country together. Two big, strong, young men with a tent, a little bit of money and two weeks, what could go wrong?   Their sister was getting married that summer, so they had to be back for the wedding. Other then that they knew they where heading east, 4000 km east.  That was the way Cas liked it. He lived for the challenge, the risk, the chance, and the stories.

Cas and John’s mother had died a few years earlier. Cas had no idea what John’s experience was with the death. Cas had been told him two things by his dying mother. One; do not tell lies. Two; never say I can’t. So a young male, who has neurotic tendencies and a highly active imagination, that almost always works outside the box, was told to never tell a lie and never say I can’t. Cas interpreted this as never lying to himself, which meant he had to learn every deep secret he was keeping from himself by being persistent in his search for self knowledge. Even when he was met with near impossible obstacles he could not stop, his mother told him never to say I can’t. So he jumped off every cliff, pushed every boundary, opened every door and wasted little time doing it.

Cas loved John. He was mean to him when they where younger. He would push, hit and scare John whenever he got upset. Cas was out of control, blind with rage at times. John was younger and around, so he got the brunt of it.  Cas was ashamed but kept trying to make things right by being an honest witness to John and showing him what he had learned.

So here is what happened. None of this is made up, I swear. Ready….

Cas and John took a bus to the ferry, got to the main land called one of Johns friends, who’s father was a pilot and offered to fly Cas and John over the Rockies, 800 km in a private executive jet. They went back into the Rockies to do some camping in the mountains. They stayed by a forgotten hot spring, got rides with many people, got into the prairies, slept a bit and met some more people. They spent a night with the Hells Angles leader and his horny, married, daughter. Then they got a ride with a kind man in a large motor home where they spent 4 days traveling with him.  Got to their destination in 11 days, tired, beaten and ripe with stories to share.

Cas loved to travel, it was his escape. Somewhere in his sole he always took the long way home. No matter what the terrain, he would venture to heights he thought unattainable. This was his way of escape. Cas was addicted to roaming. Yet during this entire journey Cas could not forget about Julia. Cas wanted to, he wanted to move on. He loved Julia but he knew he was not ready go where she wanted to go. He was scared, fragile and needing simplicity. Julia wanted to build an honest life together and Cas was not ready.  But, Cas was charged with never telling lies, which he knew he loved Julia, and never say I can’t, which he felt he couldn’t make it work with Julia, which means he had to try as it was his charge to never say I can’t.

Manly Sex Talk Comments

Amazing, really interesting. I have gotten comments from the two post I put up, Manly Sex Talk and Manly Sex Talk II.

So what I have found interesting is that all the comments I received have been from Women. Don't get me wrong, I love to hear from the female perspective, just seems to me a little one sided. Maybe my readers are mostly women? Maybe the men are not ready to share? Anyway here are two of my favorites and my responses to them. I will not put names at this point as their comments where sent to me personally.

Taken from a long response, that I very much appreciate and was very honest. I love honesty people, get with it, if we all have nothing to hide we all benefit.

Not all women enjoy the pound em up smack em around the bedroom kind of lovemaking, in fact a lot of the juicy lovely bits of making love don't have to involve a man being rock hard. It's actually one of those things women secretly wish men understood, it really doesn't revolve around the penis. This seems to be especially hard for men of a certain size penis to understand, which is why I'm going to say this: Tell your manly readers that most women prefer to sleep with a man with an average size or smaller, this is because these men are often gentler and inherently understand that there's more to sex than pounding and will take their time to learn own bodies, how it works, how they can give and receive pleasure in various wonderful ways, and in turn grow into better lovers, unlike their larger counterparts who continue relying on the 'Green Giant' to do all the work for them.


- Very interesting. Yes men, we hear all the time that size does not matter. Like the women who see air brushed pics of young, unrealistic girls on the front of every billboard and magazine, men see well hung men who can pound it for hours, giving multiple organisms every night while still finding time and energy to work on the fat free, perfectly over chiseled body. THE TRUTH MIGHT BE that both are an incredible disease that is contagious if we buy into it. Small to large penis', if you do not connect with your partner, if you do not make then laugh, if you do not engage in good for play and after play, if you do not allow yourself to enjoy the experience then you loose and so does your partner. This reader is right in my eyes, it is so not about the cock. It is so about the imagination and the story and the adventure.


Taken from a wise women who has much to say using little words.

When communication is equal and gender removed maybe there will be more openness.
Your blog is very intimate and thank you for sharing your journey.
Much love and light

I struggle with the concept of genderless. I agree that we all have to be open and honest but in my experience talking about sex with men is very different then talking about sex with women. Eventually an open communication between the genders needs to take place. First men need to work together to heal stigmas and abuses from their lineages and trainings. I believe that like the feminism movement has empowered women to be the power they are and are working towards, the masculine movement can do the same to allow emotional, heart centered, vulnerable and yet still warrior men to be.


Thank You to all those who commented. Please men let me know your thoughts. I am willing to go there....

The sweet feeling of nothingness

So for this quick moment in my day I feel nothing. I try to capture this elusive beast using some words and slight of hand action. I am not tired, nor am I energized. I am not worried, nor am I excited. I have little to say or fight against. It is quiet, slow and simple here. There is a rain waiting to fall, snow ready to melt, sun ready to fade. The lights are on but not completely needed. The darkness is creaping in on the light and winning the slow battle.

When your world shifts and you hold on to whatever was keeping you going before the shift, there is this moment of stillness where everything aligns. The communities surrounding the Bay of Fundy know this all too well. With the largest tides in the world, when the tides shift there is this pause. The birds stop signing, the wind stops moving, the air stands still. It is both peaceful and uncomfortable.

We are always moving, working, trying, running, sleeping, catching up or keeping up. THe peace that exists in the in between shakes our concept of normalacy. THe still water makes us look for the approaching storm. THe thing I realised is that there will always be more approaching storms, more blowing winds, more change, more work. The silence is the dream time, the peaceful repose, the break from the old ways.

Have you ever felt that pause? Do you know it? Have would you describe it?

Honoring Kevin

On my way into work this morning I was listening to Wildlife, a band out of Toronto.  The up beat rock got my mind swinging and my heart beating with purpose. The strong, but well brewed, cup of coffee was infusing my body with a caffeinated rush that allowed me to dance, even though I was still driving. I was feeling a deep lightness, a joy that had been missing these last few weeks. Then I got a little teary, Ok I cried.

It was two things that made me release the pent up tears. I first got into a trance of thinking about my friends and family. I wanted to honor them and had so many people to honor. I felt overwhelmed with how many people I wanted to thank and show my appreciation for just being here. Then it occurred to me how brilliantly lucky I am to have so many people that have honored me. Such a strong circle of friends and family is by far the most rich and beautiful thing I could EVER ask for. I got a little teary. 

Then I got a little side tracked on how come I can not feel this way all the time. How come I can not recognize how rich and lucky I am every day, every second. I was then gifted with the insight that it is the hard work, the cleaning of my internal closets, the digging deep, the looking at my demons, the learning to love my shadows that allow me to feel the deep love and honor. If I did not do the inner work I could not see the beauty in the outer world. As Bruce Cockburn says in "Nothing worth having comes without some kinda fight, you gotta kick at the darkness till it bleeds day light." 

So true, so very, very true.

Witch Doctor House Call 4

SO I have been out of the healthfood business for a few months now and I have to say there was something fun about being on the inside of an industry that has been thriving for MANY years and most people know nothing about. I mean all my friends know about healthfood stores and visit them often, most people in general public rarely go to a healthfood store, mean while do most of their shopping there. The healthfood industry is a funky place to do business. It is full of flaky hippies, big hearted business people, money grabbers, big corporations, farmers, handcrafters. It is as much seedy as it is magical and ripe with brilliant soles. A funny place, miss you all and will see you soon.

So how does one know the difference between a shady, corporate company and a real heart centered, wanting to bring the best for your health company? Do research, look at where the product is made, look at how much packaging there is, look at the price, shop in health food stores, ask the cashiers. Also check online, there are many great resources and if you see something that does not look or smell right then ask more questions. 

What I have passed on and taken away from working in the healthfood industry is that YOU have to take resposibility for your health and NEVER assume a company or a product is what it is or does what it does just because of packaging, an article, some suggestion or whatever. Use the law of 4, if it is to be medicine find 4 sources the give you the information you are looking for.

Imagination is the most powerful medicine on the planet.

Being poor has its priveledges

I have no money, no land, no valuable possessions. I got nothing in the bank accounts, no investments, no RRSPs. You know what I do got though? Freedom baby. Nobody can take anything from me.

I can not be sued, conned nor taken to the ringers. I do not have to worry about the scratches on my old beater car. I do not have to worry about the leaky roof over my head (the landlord can fix that). I have what so many rich people have, freedom.

I can write whatever I want and not worry about pissing the wrong people off.  Oh you want and example....  the pharmaceutical companies have brain washed you into thinking they know what they are doing when, for the most part, they do not. The government is NOT under your control, it is not free, it is seriously compromised. The education system is sickening our children. Pop music sucks!!!! Banks are mean and uncaring. Large corporations who set up charitable funds do it for the tax right off.

I know we got some good things going for us in Canada but there is some major deceit and bull shit most people are eating. Being poor allows me the honor to say and be a part of some DEEP wealth in our communities. The herbalists, the grandmothers and grandfathers, the cooks, the bakers, the body workers, the candlestick makers, the singers, the poets, the babysitters, the children, the crafts people, the teachers, the helpers, the magic makers are worth a million times more then any personal wealth can bring.

So i am going to start to be more honest in my writing. More up front about how I feel about things and maybe a little comical.

Some people are so poor all they have is money.

Manly Sex Talk II

So apparently people, especially men, actually want to talk about sex in a real and honest way. At least that is what I took from the response from my last post.  So where to begin. I am no expert in sex or male sex. I have not had many partners, I do not have many wild fantasies, I have not taken many courses. What I do offer is an honest perspective. From a males point of view, I can be honest and open and start to share. Maybe other males can share in return or feel more comfortable sharing. Maybe I can learn how to share better as well.

So I have had a few responses about not thinking of gender as being important. I actually believe that there are differences between the sexes and their ideas of sex. I wish to empower my male friends and brothers and speak to them. Women are certainly invited to participate and encourage us males and myself however they seem fit.

So here is what I have to share. I want to start by one of my pet peeves. I love sex, yep that is obvious. I do not crave it deeply. I can go long times without it. I crave good, connected, loving, intimate sex. I do not care to much for just getting off with someone else. I like a good fuck every once and a while, I just don't look for it. I can get off myself and it is way less work. Males are taught that they have to be sex machines and want it and be ready for it at any time. I beg to differ. It takes a lot to produce sperm and there is a lot of energy put out in having sex at least good sex. If it is just a physical need then why put that much effort into it.  I love it when I feel vulnerable and the other person feels vulnerable. I get off on that so hard. When it's, I know what I am doing and you know what you are doing and so we just doing it, I get bored.

I wonder how many males just think they should always want it and just get it up to perpetuate that myth? I wonder if it is a myth and I am just the unique one? I don't really care. I care that I am sharing something that is true and honest about my sexuality.

If anyone else wishes to share and wants me to post it, you can get my email from the bar on the right of your screen. If you just want to share with me then I am  all ears.

Hope and the Seeting Sun Part 4

Chapter 2 – Genetic Hitchhiking

Time, like it always seems to do, had passed. Cas and Julia spent the winter in each others arms, making food, making love, and making each other late for everything. They where learning about each other.  They would make love at night and sleep in, smoke a cigarette in bed with the window half opened. The birds would sing them back to sleep. They would walk around naked, watch the sunset and tell each other about their lives. Julia had lived many life times, spent time in school learning about languages and other cultures. She had studied the human body and how it energetically moved and worked. She had explored her inner world, learning about her pains, her weaknesses, and her demons. She was battered and bruised yet still in love with life. She was never great with money, always knew how to get by.  She needed someone to take care of her, to help her and let her rest. She was tired, worn and alive.

Cas fell in love with her raw energy. He would tell people that her honesty was brisk, abrasive and invigorating. Cas was wide eyed and without many stories of his own. He knew how to take care of people, not well but enough to make money at it. He loved the simplicity of life, the sweet sound of music, the calm rush of adrenaline when he told stories. He loved to learn everything and anything. You could say he was mildly aspergerish. He loved the challenge of being with Julia.  He loved her smell, he strength and her warm body. He felt safe in her arms.

When the winter ended, after many ups and downs, the two love birds decided to fly home for the summer. After many fights and struggles it was clear they needed time apart. Cas was scared. He saw the relationship as something he did not know how to handle. He needed space, more then a few days. So he left Julia for the summer.  Space was Cas’ way of handling anything he could not understand. He dealt with trauma by controlling anything and everything he could, when he lost control he would make space.

Fight, Fight

I got the honor of participating in a battle royal last night. In one corner wearing his blue pajamas was the tired and sore Kevin The Wolf. In the other corner was the slightly bent and well meaning Night of Restlessness.

I believe this is how it all went down. Kevin came out yawning with an upper cut stretch. Night of Restlessness came in with a surprise reminder of a forgotten traumatic memory. Kevin responded with a deep breath and some active meditation. Night of Restlessness coward in the corner to trick Kevin into thinking he had a chance. Night of Restlessness waited for Kevin to drop his guard and came in with an upper cut of financial stress and a few jabs of car troubles and work stress. Kevin being alerted to the loosing battle got right up from his trying slumber and walked it off.

Round Two consisted of various forms of light sleep followed by wakings by Night of Restlessness. Apparently Night of Restlessness had a tag team partner. When all seemed quite and ready for sleep, the Twisted Covers would sweep in and entangle Kevin The Wolf in an uncomfortable position. Kevin would respond with the never effective kicking the covers straight then got up straightened the covers and got back into bed in time for Night of Restlessness to return with a few head buts of worthless worries.

The irony is that eventually Kevin The Wolf got the upper hand. Straightened all the covers, calmed the mind, fell asleep for a very short nap only to be power slammed by the Morning Alarm Clock of Death.

Kevin thus gave up and left the night to its own sadist battles and watched the sunrise.

I am fragile

I realized today that I am fragile. Well, I always knew that, it's just today I admitted it to myself. I can be the strongest person in the room if need be but the truth is that I am broken and trying to put myself back together. I think everyone I meet is like that. It's part of being human I guess. As we wonder threw this life in search of answers, comfort, love and understanding we are all disappointed and hurt.

I also know that if I stay in that place of being worried about being hurt or broken again then I will never experience the brilliance of kindness and love from a unsuspecting place or person. THe risk I take is to be fragile and still put myself out there. I can be battered and bruised but I will not be defeated. My warrior energy will be used to keep getting up not matter how hard I am hit, no matter how much i want to stay down, no matter what happens.

I give myself full permission to be a crumbled emotional mess of a man. I give myself no permission to let it stop me from being me. I choose to do this by letting everyone and anyone know of my wounds and pains. Not by complaining but by warring it as proudly as I wear any emotion. I choose to be both as strong as I can be and as weak as I am, and I choose to keep opening up to experience more.

My father taught me love needs persistence.

I love sharing this story about my father. It is all true. 

My father fell in love with my mother at a young age. They spent their adolescence growing up together. I do not have all the stories but they came out of their teenage hormonal shifts and changes with their love still in tact. They went to school, got married and started a life together. They were in love like I have never seen, even to this day. Their marriage had issues for sure, many, as all great relationships do. They were in love and they worked upon keeping their love strong. There were many times I would come home from something abroad and find a few candles had been lit, the couch was a mess and my mother was humming and a little flushed. Many times I would catch them dancing in the most unusual places, like in an elevator while listening to the hum of the music from the tinny speakers.

I look back with rose-colored glasses and see that they really loved each other. Their relationship was not about power, convenience, comfort or safety. It was built on long term infatuation, sharing a dream and a deep respect. When my father was in a plane crash in 1991, she did everything she could to help, care and tend to him. When my mother was sick with cancer he did everything to support her on that journey.

Now that I painted a brief explanation of their love I want to tell you the story that means so much to me. In 1997 my mother died after a 3-year battle with cancer. My father was a wreck. How does anyone ever prepare for the death of a true love? After some deep sadness my father pick himself up and found the space in his heart to date. Shortly after he found another he loved. Someone my mother knew and was friends with. They fell in love. They apparently ruined a few shocks in the back of my father’s car. They could not keep their hands off each other. Then as quick as it started, my father’s new love was diagnosed with cancer and died shortly after.

Now this is where I learned the real power of my father. I have met a VERY small handful of people in my life that would pick themselves up after something like this happening TWICE and love again, or even try. Most would drown in their pity or fear another loss. Years earlier when my father was in a plane crash that broke dozens of bones in his body and crushed his jaw, as well as almost killing him and the other 4 people in the small plane, he decided to not get down. As soon as he was able, he got on a jumbo jet, flew to California and met up with his friend who flew a small 4-passenger plane. Less then 3 months after major surgery and a narrowing rescue in northern Ontario, my father was in a small plane flying over the Grand Canyon.

After his second lost love he found as many off the pieces of his heart as he could and went and found love again. He got married and, subsequently, broke a few more shocks in his car. Recently I was with him and his lover/wife waiting for something or other on a bench, I looked over to see him and here dancing to the elevator music coming from the tiny speakers above.

Now that is fucking courageous. Yes a little foolish, but courage needs a little foolishness. Actually courage is the absence of logical thinking; it is an action of the heart, not one of fear. It spits in the face of fear and says to fear, "I know you are there fear, you can come and observe but you can not interfere."

I choose to be courageous when it comes to love. I honor my fears but they can only observe, not interfere. When I feel true love or the possibility of true love, I will pursue it with the courage my father has shown me.

Manly Sex Talk

It has occurred to me that there is a severe gap between the way men talk to each other about their sex life and the way women talk to each other about their sex life. In my world women have started and somewhat created a communication about sex that is open, exploratory and leaning towards none judgmental. I have met women who teach other women about how the power of sex and the intimate body. I have heard women talk about their strengths and weaknesses with an openness I have not seen much in men. It is not perfect amongst women, there is still much work that need to be done. What I do see is that they ahve started to reclaim the power of their own sexuality and they are starting to talk about it.

Men have for the most part kept closed. It is rare when a conversation about sex and sexuality amongst men occurs. Mostly it is short, filled with humor and lacking in detail. Men are embarrassed or are not sure what to say or how to say it. We have so much to learn from each other and we MUST start talking about sex with each other. Not in the traditional jock, locker room, conquest ego way but in an honest, vulnerable and exploratory way. This will take some work as we have to start from the beginning. If you are comfortable talking about your sexuality then do it for mans sake. If you are not then practice listening when a buddy starts talking about their sexuality. Ultimately we all need to work on opening up and learning to share and learning to receive sharing.

For the sake of our partners, lets share and learn from each other. I know I have a lot to share and more to learn with my brothers out there.

Change

If I could change them, I would.

They would liberate their clothing with colors

Smell of essential oils, not perfumes

They would have little and give much

We would all share in the abundance that comes from simplicity

We would have the life we loved and love the life we have.

I would be heard and my songs understood

They would be curious of my adventures

And participate in my dreams

I know now that it is not my place to change them

It is my place to be changed or better yet allow change to happen

I can try to create, mold, change them to what I want  

But until I love the ones I got the way they are

I will never be happy

Witch Doctor House Call 3

My favorite company by far is an essential oil importer called Union Nature that imports and bottles essential oils called Devine Essence. The founder, Antoine Rigault is one of my business mentors.

"In 1994, I created UNION NATURE with the mission to import to Canada, under the trademark of "Divine Essence", the finest certified organic essential oils and floral waters from the four corners of the globe. I still travel the world seeking small artisan producers to bring you these wonderful olfactory treasures"


Essential oils are powerful, transformative and subtle medicine. The issue I have with them is that essential oils are delicate and require care from every level of its production. You can not mass produce these things. Antoine has committed to discovering the best oils, from farm to bottle and every step in between. He has turned down profit many times in order to keep integrity.

Good medicine is not about the ingredient alone. It is about the intention, the care, the love the passion that has gone into EVERY step that product takes to get to you.

My advice is to not price shop for Medicine. Do not compromise ANYTHING when it comes to your health. Find what you need, find the right source, find a way to work it into your budget. It is not easy, but commitment to the highest level of self care is truly powerful Medicine.

The most powerful Medicines in the universe come from our imaginations.

Trying to find peace with death

When I was a teenager I went to over a dozen funerals including my mothers. I vowed, in some deep part of me, that I had had it with death. It was too tough, too sad, too draining to watch other people die. When I got even a hint that someone was not well I would unconsciously run or hide. I think it came down to the fact that I had no idea how to process the feelings I had when people died.

In my perspective, our culture really takes the fear of death to an extreme. We hid it, we do not talk about it, we see it as a bad thing. Funny how something that is inevitable is seen as a bad thing. You would think that since we can not escape death we would embrace it or learn to appreciate it. Death can be a gift, an opportunity, an opening.  I am learning that Death is a beautiful transformation for the dying and the living alike.

I do not want to be afraid of death, that would like being afraid of breathing or afraid of gravity. It is here, it is not going away, I will die one day, why not learn from it and treat it as a friend.

The Power of Circles

Elif Safak’s Ted lecture is powerful and very fluid. I am amazed by the content and the fact that Elif goes 20 minutes without stopping to think or regroup. Really well done.

Watch Here

To the Goddesses in My Life

So the time has come for men to take the roll of supporting and holding up the Goddesses of this world. There are so many brilliant women on the planet today and I am constantly meeting them. Medicine women, story tellers, singers, dancers, fighters, dream weavers, mothers, sisters, lovers, secret keepers, your time has come to shine. Come on men, open yourself, let go of the ego and look at the brilliance the women in your life bring you and ask yourself, "How can I support them more?"

Witch Doctore House Call 2

Passion Flower, Holy Basil, Rhodiola. The three power plants that will change your life.

Learn about these medicines. Try them. Read about them. Look at their pictures. They are the three plants I would prescribe to almost everyone I meet and have met in my life. They are profound, simple and loving herbs. I can talk about so many but these need to be understood and experimented with more. They are safe, effective and easy to grow. The pharmaceutical companies can go fuck themselves. Real medicine comes from out back yards, our grand mothers, our kitchens, out gardens, our forest, our hearts, our imaginations. Yep, the strongest medicines in the world come from our imaginations.

Humbleness...

I struggle sometimes with myself. I get really excited. Whenever I am touched by something, food, music, art, life, stories, I get really excited and want to share it with everyone. The problem is that I see beauty in so much. How do I share such brilliance with the world? How do I remember it myself when I am feeling down?

I am so grateful to be alive. I really am.

My mother died when I was 17. Her last words to me where, "Kevin, tell the truth, all the time". (exact words)

Really hard words for a young male to hear from his dying mother. I was just starting to realize that most people lied to me. They lied to themselves and I was lying to myself. I neurotically went searching for truth. I started to look within and realized the amount of lies I held in my heart. I went to work uncovering each lie.

Here are a few things I realized. Life is really short. If you are afraid of doing something, it is because you are meant to do it. NEVER sit in comfort for long. Find what YOU think is beautiful and share it with anyone and everyone in whatever way you deem fit. Be kind to yourself, you are perfect. nothing is your fault, or anyone's fault. The best and most powerful drug on this planet, and probably in the universe, is being in the moment.

Love, feel, see, hear, touch, taste. Be human. Fish swim, birds fly, humans be human.

It's tough though. I want everyone to see what I see and feel what I feel. I want to see what others see and feel what they feel. I want to be part of something, I want to share it with someone, I want to experience it with a family, a community, a circle.

I'm scared. The layers they are peeling off. I feel like I am loosing my mind. I guess that's the point. Loose the mind, open the heart, move into the heart.

I find fear in telling the truth to myself. I am afraid to jump to far down the rabbits hole. I am afraid!

So full of fear, I still jump down the rabbits hole with no parachute. I jump over the Edge cause I know I have to learn to fly. I seek truth and hear it every chance I get. I respect fear but it will not stop me. Nothing will stop me, my mommy told me to find truth and I will, and you know what, truth is all worth it when all the darkness of fear fades and the sunlight of truth warms the sole.

HELP.....

I have to admit something. Something I have been ashamed to admit for most of my life.

I, Kevin the Wolf,  want to be a writer.

There I said it. it feels weird. I love to tell stories and read. I have studied my favorite authors. I was told as a school boy that my grammar and spelling where so bad that I could never be a writer. I do not care anymore what people told me. I care about what my heart wants to do and that is write.

Now I need your help. Please comment on my blog. Let me know what you think. Your reactions will help me understand. The reflection of my writing I see in your reactions.

There is a comment link bellow.

Please help me with my dream... 

Justin Vernon

Let me tell you a little story about Justin. True story. There was this man who lost his long time girlfriend, had his band break up and found himself with no money. He went to live at his grandfathers cabin in the woods in northern Wisconsin. There he decided, using only his lap top and a bit of simple recording material to record an album. Alas, the album was an incredible success. The album was called For Emma. It shot Justin into musical popularity. His bands name is Bon Iver, like the french Bon Hiver meaning good winter which is what Justin had in the woods recording his first album.

Last night at Massey Hall in Toronto, I witnessed a subtle explosion that has me humbled and in complete Aw shock. Bon Iver, with 10 band members, put on a show, more like a religious, transcendental, heart opening, vulnerable, honest open loving show. I joked with my friend after as we watched the crowd dissipate in to the Toronto night that there is not a person here that could harm a fly at this point. Everyone was walking around in their hearts wide open, a fine feat for a big city crowd.

I learned a lot from that concert. One; as Justin said, when you dream and get knocked down you HAVE TO BELIEVE that there is always another opportunity. Two; that there is immense and incredible power in humbleness. If you can dream from the brilliance of your heart and stay humble and mostly vulnerable, then you can change the world, your inner world and the outer world. Three; and the most profound, that the human race is changing. We are on the cusp of a revolution. The world we live in with all its dangers of the environment collapsing and the world going to war and the financial stresses where built by the head. (People using their heads) The revolution that will allow humans to live long and in harmony with the planet and each other is being built from the heart. Art, music, literature, stories, any form of beauty is becoming more heart centered and people love it and are becoming more heart centered themselves.

Seriously people, times are a changing and I love it. I am fully on board, I am in my heart, loving myself and others, exploring my inner beauty and not being afraid of my inner shadows and risking everything because I need to pursue my dream.

Bon Iver, thank you for such a honorable show of your beauty. You are a Shaman and an inspiration.

I cried during this performance. So did Dwayne my co pilot in this adventure.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohp7Fe9_ToE

Hope and the Seeting Sun Part 3

This is not my story to tell. I mean it is only my perspectives and memories of the story. Cas wanted to be loved. He lost his mother to cancer a few years earlier and was lost. His heart was reaming with pain. He wanted nothing more then to be adored by anyone. He enjoyed Julia’s company, he loved that she loved him. He was not careful, nor honest. Hell he did not know himself what he was feeling or how to feel it.

It has occurred to me that there is a discrepancy in what we feel and what we are capable of allowing ourselves to feel. When feeling traumatized we do not have the capacity to feel fully what is happening. It is too much, overwhelming and the heart shuts the door to the brain so we can still cope with day-to-day living. Cas was in shock from his earlier life. He was lost, he was scared, and he was traumatized.  If he were in a better mind and heart he would have talked with Julia. He would have said something like…

“I love you too Julia but I can not open my heart to you the way you deserve. I am hurting and in need of finding self love before I can offer you any love. I do not wish to lead you on in any way but I can not be there for you as I am barely able to take care of myself.”

Cas hoped Julia would say something like…

“I love you Cas. I see that you are broken and fragile. I see that you need love and care. I will honor you by being patient and loving and allow you the space to heal so that we can be together”

That is not how it went. Cas tried to show Julia how he was feeling. Julia was not a mind reader and could not guess. Julia herself had her own traumas and needs. It was a match that they should be together. They will show each other some of their shadows. They will reflect to each other what no one else can. They will love and hate each other; they will tech each other a great deal.

Everything is just perfect. The seeds where set for a brilliant adventure between Cas and Julia. There was plenty to be shared and plenty to be learned. I will not share with you every detail, as some are not my story to share. I will share what happened to Cas and Julia and some stories. Again this is my perspective and my idea of what happened.  There are many questions that this adventure brought up for Cas. Many issues he did not know he had. Actually Cas believed he was on the brink of enlightenment. Julia then showed Cas the many dark secrets that Cas was hiding from himself. What a brilliant dance and mysterious adventure they are about to embark upon.

Chapter 2 – Genetic Hitchhiking